The Secrets of Joyful Monogamy with Lynne Sheridan

Transcript

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When our emotion goes up, our intelligence goes down.

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So the more emotional we get, the less intelligent we are.

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So when you're in an argument with your partner and your head is saying you need to make one more point, you don't.

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Whatever you're going to say is stupid.

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Get out of the conversation.

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Say anything I'm going to say is going to be stupid.

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I love you.

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Let's pick this up later.

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Welcome back to The Wayfinders Show.

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I'm your host, Louis Hernandez, and on this episode of The Wayfinders Show, we're thrilled to welcome Lynn Sheridan, who is widely celebrated as the radical fairy godmother.

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With over 30 years, over the past 30 years, Lynn has transformed the lives of over 70, 000 people worldwide through her groundbreaking work as a transformational trainer, A therapist and a relationship expert.

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She blends deep insight, spiritual understanding, and practical wisdom to help people achieve their dreams and unlock their fullest potential.

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But today we're also taught here to talk about her book that she authored called the birds and the bees of joyful monogamy nine secrets to hot\partnering.

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In this groundbreaking book, she helps couples develop a relationship that sizzles and inspires others by diving into an entirely new level of intimacy.

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Lynn, welcome to The Wayfinder Show.

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Thank you so much for being here.

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I'm very grateful to be here and excited to know you.

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Yeah.

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We're grateful to have you here.

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Before we get into it I'm curious why, how, what does it mean to be a rad, radical fairy godmother?

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Radical fairy godmother of transformation, fairy godmothers in fairytales?

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Have people's dreams come true?

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But it's usually with a magic wand and a pumpkin and things like this.

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And I am a radical fairy godmother in that I sometimes say things in a very abrupt and direct way that saves a lot of time and cuts through the BS so that people can move faster.

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In other words, I don't sometimes want couples as clients who will call.

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I'll have to The feeling that they're going to end their marriage or that they're cheating and they just want to use me to have that information come out with their partner and I will say that directly and not take them on as a client unless they really are committed to doing the work.

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Oh, interesting.

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So right away you can see it.

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So that's a little radical.

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Yeah, that is radical.

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So you can tell when they come in and you're doing the audition.

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Go ahead.

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Yes, when they're on the phone with me if they're doing that I just don't know that it's gonna work And I've had some other things going on The there are seeds being planted that have me say okay You don't feel like you're in and if you were in and you want to make this marriage work and you want to do The work then great.

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I'm your girl if it is you're wanting to Act like you did work for six months with the therapist.

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So then you could tell your partner you're out Don't use me.

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Got it.

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Oh, that's interesting.

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Does it usually get initiated, does the call usually get initiated by one or, the other?

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Yes, it does.

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Isn't that interesting?

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And it's usually same with my couples work and all my retreats, usually there's a partner that wants to work and there's a partner that's hesitant on working or afraid of working or already out.

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Okay.

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And who makes the call?

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If it's a real relationship, they both make the call.

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They talk about it together.

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For example, when people have an affair, when they step out on a relationship, it's changing the rules unilaterally.

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So when we get married, we're in front of people.

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You and I were just talking before we got on in terms of where our marriages are the same length right now, 21 years.

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When we get in front of people and we are getting married at a wedding, We make our vows.

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There's commitments in place.

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And then as the years go by, if somebody wants to change those rules, part of the deal is you're with your partner and you got to make it both of you saying, I want to change this rule.

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What do you feel about changing it?

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Like people who go into polyamory or bring another partner in the marriage, they're not just.

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doing it unilaterally, whereas an affair is a power differential.

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It's one person changing the rules without the, with keeping the other one at the same rules that they made.

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And that's not viable.

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Yeah.

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If both people can change it, they can change it.

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Yeah.

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What does it mean you've mentioned a term already, do the work a little bit.

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What does that really mean?

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I think a lot of our world gestures at doing work on ourselves.

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We read a book, and at that reading, I'm a voracious reader.

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When we read, we will read, and the things that are already close to what we think are easy to embrace in what we read.

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Or the things that are right at the edge of our comfort zone, we maybe will toy with those things, we'll entertain them.

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But doing real work, Is the things that I don't want to see the things that I defend the things that I negate the things that my partner says over and over that.

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I want to make their problem.

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It's great.

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I think group work and I've been doing group work for at this point.

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I think it's 100, 000 people.

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I've trained around the world for a long time, but in group.

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You get feedback.

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And what's amazing is within one or two days of being in powerful group work, you've got people who just met you who are saying things your wife has been saying to you for years in an argument where you want to get angry and make it like you're just it's her, instead of, wow, there's This person just met me, and they're saying the same stuff my wife has been saying.

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That's compelling.

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And you're forced to face yourself.

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You're forced to face up and see the things we don't want to see, the things we want to defend and keep in place.

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Because they're our safety.

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They're our comfort zone.

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Yeah.

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It's challenging training environments, not just reading, not just mental.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I think oftentimes my wife and I talk about this a lot with, in her work, she works with in the college admissions world to help families get with that process for their kids.

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And oftentimes she, she knows she gets hired to give the message that the parents are already giving to their kids.

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They all know it.

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But the kids won't receive it.

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And so they have to pay my wife to do it basically.

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And it sounds like it's a lot of the same stuff with, relationships.

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We, don't listen to those who are most important to us almost, but when, we're in the group work or with you, then we may be ready to receive.

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Is that right?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And we're, none of us can see ourselves.

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in action.

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And so when you're in a transformational training environment, you are, it's almost like having a video camera above video recording you, that there are moments that you'll see yourself in action in an exercise, an experiential process.

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And you'll look and think, man, that, that's so great.

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I did that.

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That's, I was really in relationship with that person.

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I really broke the ice there.

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I was transparent.

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I was authentic.

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And then in other moments, you'll see yourself in action and be like, Oh, where the hell did that come from?

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To be blunt, like, why am I doing that?

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What is that behavior right there?

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What is that pullback?

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What is that inauthenticity?

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It, it's powerful.

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And so you, yes, it is other people, but it's us.

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So you seeing yourself in action in a way that has you be in, I want to really uncover where did I get this way of being?

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How did I start showing up this way?

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Where are all the ways I'm doing that?

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What's it impacting?

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You I, haven't read the book, but I, read all of the descriptions and, such to prepare.

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And, it sounds like you talk about your third year of your marriage.

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Yes.

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And you use a very interesting term for it.

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You called it the compost for growth year, right?

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Can you talk about that?

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Grist for the mill.

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Harville Hendrix, Harville and Gay Hendrix came up with a term many years ago called Imago.

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And, one of the things Harville Hendrix says that is agreed on through different people is that when we first fall in love We have blinders on, hence the expression, love is blind.

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There are all kinds of things from a medical standpoint that when we fall in love, the same receptors in our brain, the caudate nucleus, is screaming for more dopamine.

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And the more dopamine it gets, the more dopamine it wants.

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And those are the same receptors that are ignited during cocaine.

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And so when we fall in love, We're high.

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We are literally high.

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That purpose is, romance is bringing together two people to do the work they have to do on themselves that otherwise they would be completely incompatible.

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So if you really saw this person, you would think no, this person is not for me.

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We're not going to get along.

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But we can't really see that until a commitment is in place.

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One is, once a commitment is in place, once we get married, or we move in with each other and move all the furniture and close our other apartment, commitment is there, and then we start really seeing the things we could not see about that person.

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We start having them get in our face, and they, after a period of time, certainly after 21 years, you know this, I know this, no one could wound us worse than our partner.

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They find our worst wounds that are unhealed from our childhood and like pour salt on them.

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They don't mean to do that.

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The design is we want to heal that stuff.

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We want to heal the stuff we didn't heal when we were a kid and it is unresolved.

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We know now the research is our majority of our personality is the first eight years of our life.

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That's 90 plus percent of us, our thinking, our framework, our comfort zone, what we like, what we don't like, how we act.

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And so the stuff that is unresolved, we keep looking to resolve it.

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And ideally we hire a partner because that's the most accelerated way of growing ourselves.

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Only the majority of the people divorce because it's excruciating when that stuff gets pointed out, when those same wounds come up.

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If if a parent's parents were neglectful, never giving validation or attention, we may be craving for validation and attention in our relationship, and we may end up with a partner that super busy or whatever and is not giving us validation or attention that's going to hit that same wound.

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And unless both people are really working and seeing what wounds they're hitting each other, it becomes really painful and they separate a divorce.

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And then the statistics, they think, Oh, it's the other person.

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This person just wasn't right for me.

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So we're at 52 percent divorce rate, something like that right now.

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And then the second marriage is like 62 divorce rate, percent divorce, right?

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Third marriage is 73%.

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Meaning.

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It's not them.

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It's our stuff we got to heal.

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Yeah.

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Wow.

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So, the divorce rate actually goes up.

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Goes up.

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In number of marriages.

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Yeah.

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When my dad did the training work from years ago, he sat me down and one of the first things he said to me is, Oh my God, I married the three, the same woman three different times.

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He realized at that point.

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I'm the variable here.

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I've been blaming the other person over and over again, and it's me.

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I'm creating the same breakdown.

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Interesting.

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The, I, thought I read somewhere where divorce is actually on the decline.

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Is that true for the first time?

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Divorce is on the decline.

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It's a little, it's a little hidden number.

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So I'm not sure that they came out with accurate levels after COVID because it was on the increase during COVID.

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Yes.

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Yes.

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And then I think it went down, I think right now it's at 49%, but I don't think that's accurate because and we don't have the most recent numbers on this right now because the highest few groups are the highest incidence of divorce rate right now, people in the first year of marriage are the highest, which is telling us that what we need.

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You probably already know, we see on Instagram the huge bachelorette parties, the huge weddings, the big deal made about the wedding, and people are really unprepared for the marriage.

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They're spending lots of money on the show and not what comes after the show.

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And then the second highest divorce rate is fascinating.

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It's the 60 and above women who are, they have dedicated their life to taking care of a family.

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And they are tired of settling for less than what they want.

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That is a huge number that is on the increase.

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That are women that are moving in with each other that are just tired of needing to handle everything, needing to handle all the housework, take care of the kids, be the liaison between the kids that have gone off to school or out on their own, and their partner is taking them for granted.

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And they haven't really gotten what they've wanted in their life.

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They sacrificed.

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Yeah.

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Wow.

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This is called the gray, or silver divorce.

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Okay.

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Do you think there's also It is very interesting.

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Scaring me.

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I'm hoping that.

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That doesn't happen with me.

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It got me thinking like, oh, I'm not too far away from you.

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Good.

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I like that.

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I like that.

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Thank you.

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Yeah.

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I'm wondering also, I've noticed, especially with younger people, I know a lot of younger people who just don't, they don't plan to get married, but they've been in very long term relationships, right?

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It's almost You know, the domestic partner kind of thing.

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So I wonder if the, if there's a growing trend there and if that takes away from the divorce rates, There's, different.

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If, we're going on that, it is higher than it is definitely higher because people who live with each other, when a commitment is not in place, they have a higher likelihood of breaking up the relationship.

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As opposed to a commitment being in place, and I think the younger generation, they, it's it's similar to me, I went through, my parents went through a horrendous.

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divorce.

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And so I, it was a big deal, like when people study divorce law in the United States, they read my case from when I was a kid because I, my dad didn't have custody and he kidnapped us, but he kidnapped us not just to a different state.

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I was raised on a Native American.

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Indian reservation.

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So he kidnapped us to a technically a different nation.

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Wow.

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And so it went five years back and forth in the courts.

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And finally, I think second time in the Illinois Supreme court, it got ruled, but that was five years of back and forth in the courts.

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And that impact same for our kids, that impact of the kids seeing a divorce.

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A lot of them don't want to marry until later in life, or they are hesitant on marrying at all because they saw the repercussions firsthand.

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There's a beautiful book called, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

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And it is the longest longitudinal study on divorce rates.

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It's a 30 year study of the kids of divorce and control group.

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So all the same, Zip code.

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It'll take, for example, kids who had an alcoholic parents and they stay together in that zip code and kids who had an alcoholic parent and they divorced.

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And depending on the age of the child, when the divorce occurs, depending on the gender of the child are radically different benefits and detriments that are lasting over a lifetime.

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Yeah.

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Wow.

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Thank you for sharing that.

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What, what, happens when you go in, it's a dark subject, right?

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Divorce so forgive me for going so much in there, but it's important to talk about, but I'm wondering what can we do if we're committed, right?

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And to each other and we, don't want a divorce.

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Things are worthy of that conversation, at least in coming to you.

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What, can we do, to, yeah.

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To make that what can we start to do to transition?

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I appreciate that.

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I think your question is really wise.

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Most people, so I realize that what I'm going to say, a lot of people have it go through one ear and out the other because they're afraid.

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But in doing a, for example, doing couples retreats, doing interactive experiential work where you have someone working with you, a professional and shifting patterns in play, That takes courage.

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I, have nothing but respect for the couples that walk into my retreats because they care enough and they love their partner enough.

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They don't want to gesture.

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They don't want to just read a book or say I tried.

00:21:05.828 --> 00:21:14.489
I always say when people are on the edge and calling me, you got to look yourself first and foremost, you got to look yourself in the eyes.

00:21:15.028 --> 00:21:20.298
You got to look yourself in the mirror years from now and say, I did everything I could.

00:21:21.374 --> 00:21:23.534
And for most people, they can't say that.

00:21:24.189 --> 00:21:26.578
They can't say they did everything they could to change it.

00:21:26.588 --> 00:21:27.578
They got frustrated.

00:21:27.588 --> 00:21:28.528
They got impatient.

00:21:28.528 --> 00:21:30.638
They didn't want to work on it anymore.

00:21:31.128 --> 00:21:31.919
They read a book.

00:21:31.959 --> 00:21:33.868
They went to a few sessions of counseling.

00:21:35.048 --> 00:21:37.118
And that's not doing everything you can.

00:21:37.528 --> 00:21:56.503
So when I went back to school after doing transformational trainings, which are very intensive, and immediate shifting facing things in a really When I went back to school for Marriage and Family Therapy, I was shocked.

00:21:57.233 --> 00:22:01.064
I thought no wonder our divorce rate is what it is.

00:22:01.084 --> 00:22:07.394
When I saw couples counseling week after week one person arguing their point of view.

00:22:07.403 --> 00:22:09.923
The next week, the other person arguing their point of view.

00:22:11.074 --> 00:22:12.503
I don't want to do that.

00:22:12.554 --> 00:22:14.463
I tell clients I don't want to do that.

00:22:14.503 --> 00:22:18.824
I have no interest in being part of your argument week after week.

00:22:19.038 --> 00:22:20.259
I want to shift things.

00:22:20.979 --> 00:22:26.598
I authentically want that you are radically shifting things fast.

00:22:26.638 --> 00:22:28.788
And if it's uncomfortable, so be it.

00:22:29.318 --> 00:22:31.239
Because your arguments are uncomfortable.

00:22:31.439 --> 00:22:42.828
And it is humbling to have somebody see an argument, but In seeing it, they can show you aspects that you're missing and slow it way down.

00:22:43.308 --> 00:22:49.348
And having the courage to walk into environments that are really going to challenge you.

00:22:50.588 --> 00:22:52.368
Both partners are going to be challenged.

00:22:52.368 --> 00:22:55.628
I say, when I have a client come to Couples counseling.

00:22:55.638 --> 00:23:03.509
First, I say, I don't want to do this week after week, so I do want you to come to a retreat so we can make a year of progress in a weekend.

00:23:05.588 --> 00:23:08.499
And if you're up for that, then I'm up for it with you.

00:23:09.679 --> 00:23:17.284
But don't do, we're just going to gesture at it without doing the real work.

00:23:18.054 --> 00:23:25.753
But it is really humbling to do real work and have somebody point out parts of ourselves that you're like you're being self righteous.

00:23:26.354 --> 00:23:40.723
Ah, our initial thing is I want to defend, I want to argue that, I want to be like but I am right, or he is wrong we want to do that, instead of, yeah, I guess I am being self righteous.

00:23:41.443 --> 00:23:48.634
I'm really dug in on my point of view and the way that I see it and from where I am, I'm not going to create anything.

00:23:51.034 --> 00:23:51.364
Yeah.

00:23:52.923 --> 00:23:59.094
So let's talk about what, we've focused on the problem and how to fix it.

00:23:59.513 --> 00:24:09.574
Let's focus on what the solution, what a resolved, I should say, looks like.

00:24:09.653 --> 00:24:10.203
You know what I mean?

00:24:10.233 --> 00:24:14.884
Like I want to know what, is a good, what is a successful couple?

00:24:16.114 --> 00:24:20.644
That has done the work and is madly in love and all that.

00:24:20.644 --> 00:24:22.413
What does that look like?

00:24:22.894 --> 00:24:27.084
It's so funny when you say the word madly in love, like we're even mad about being in love.

00:24:28.443 --> 00:24:28.824
I know.

00:24:28.824 --> 00:24:32.003
I had a hard time figuring out how to bring that, let that out.

00:24:34.213 --> 00:24:37.453
First it's really, John Gottman is a researcher.

00:24:37.453 --> 00:24:50.604
I love Of researcher and he, does not, I'm going to say bread and butter work, which is really good bread and butter books to study, like to do work with your partner and go on dinner dates and do the homework.

00:24:51.344 --> 00:25:00.634
But Gottman says, 70 plus percent of what we argue about will never be solved from his research.

00:25:01.614 --> 00:25:06.784
That is incredibly validating for any of us in a relationship.

00:25:07.134 --> 00:25:19.979
And I think of people like we had our election and there was a lot of fragmentation in our nation and differences of opinions and politically, we don't have to agree on any of that.

00:25:20.169 --> 00:25:22.358
We don't have to agree on political parties.

00:25:22.358 --> 00:25:28.699
We don't have to agree on the way to load the dishwasher, how neat you should be to keep the house.

00:25:29.358 --> 00:25:33.548
These are things we're never, ever going to resolve.

00:25:34.959 --> 00:25:43.558
What is important is mutual respect, that we respect and that we have genuine fondness for our partner.

00:25:44.128 --> 00:25:46.338
We want to spend time with them.

00:25:46.348 --> 00:25:49.269
We like going on a walk with them or just window shopping.

00:25:50.328 --> 00:26:14.114
We, feel like And so a lot of the time we all I think women friends are better at this than men, from what I see, paying attention to our partner in a way that we can get their coffee order right.

00:26:15.854 --> 00:26:20.713
For example, I have a different coffee order in the winter than I do in the summer.

00:26:20.713 --> 00:26:21.124
Okay.

00:26:21.364 --> 00:26:24.064
Or in different seasons and my husband will tease.

00:26:24.074 --> 00:26:25.713
He'll be like, yeah, but you're hard.

00:26:27.013 --> 00:26:27.473
He'll know.

00:26:27.683 --> 00:26:35.503
Do you want your winter order your summer order today that he's paid attention to my coffee order.

00:26:35.503 --> 00:26:36.733
And when I switched it.

00:26:37.679 --> 00:26:40.989
Like, when the season changed for me, I feel loved.

00:26:41.749 --> 00:26:46.959
Or if we have a partner and they're like, I ordered your, wine.

00:26:47.038 --> 00:26:49.419
Or I heard you ordered your cocktail.

00:26:49.419 --> 00:26:54.739
Or, oh, I went to the store today and I saw this, I know you love green.

00:26:55.088 --> 00:26:57.778
And I got you this cute little green scarf.

00:26:59.298 --> 00:27:05.009
Those are ways we just feel seen, heard, gotten.

00:27:06.078 --> 00:27:08.648
And those go a long way.

00:27:10.243 --> 00:27:30.993
And Those things that we don't blow things out of proportion that we're not in entrenched perspectives of our partner, we don't see them today, the same way we saw them yesterday, we're open to seeing them with new eyes today, and that they, who are they today?

00:27:31.003 --> 00:27:33.054
What interests them today?

00:27:33.753 --> 00:27:35.683
What are they feeling about their life?

00:27:37.703 --> 00:27:45.423
That's key, that we have space for them to show up anew, that we're talking deeply, intimately.

00:27:45.423 --> 00:27:51.894
A lot of times people have in our culture, in lots of cultures, intimacy, meaning sexual expression.

00:27:52.544 --> 00:28:00.614
And it isn't just sexual expression, intimacy is into me, that we're really letting our partner see us.

00:28:01.784 --> 00:28:08.199
Yeah, my husband and I walk the dogs every day, and when we walk the dogs we're Talking about what's on your schedule today.

00:28:08.439 --> 00:28:11.118
How are you feeling about things?

00:28:11.638 --> 00:28:13.939
How are you feeling about where you are?

00:28:14.288 --> 00:28:15.979
How are you feeling about us?

00:28:16.338 --> 00:28:19.138
What feel, what do you feel really good about, not good about?

00:28:19.138 --> 00:28:21.019
We're going into deeper territory.

00:28:21.949 --> 00:28:28.028
The, this is a statistic I say in my retreats that is horrifying.

00:28:30.209 --> 00:28:37.509
The studies are in the United States, we speak to our partner six minutes a week.

00:28:38.163 --> 00:28:45.604
On things that don't are not like keeping the partnership running things, not like who's going to go to the grocery store.

00:28:45.864 --> 00:28:47.824
What's your schedule look like this week?

00:28:48.084 --> 00:28:53.304
Are you taking the car in for servicing genuine, deeper conversations?

00:28:53.304 --> 00:28:54.354
Six minutes a week?

00:28:55.183 --> 00:28:55.814
Wow.

00:28:57.094 --> 00:28:58.153
Yeah, that makes sense.

00:28:58.324 --> 00:28:58.723
Yeah.

00:28:59.604 --> 00:29:01.273
Because we get very busy.

00:29:01.294 --> 00:29:02.834
We're very busy.

00:29:03.374 --> 00:29:03.534
Yeah.

00:29:03.534 --> 00:29:04.574
But we, yeah.

00:29:05.054 --> 00:29:21.534
We work on our parenting, and we want to be better parents, and we talk, and we join parenting groups, and we read parenting books, and we work on our careers, and we work on what are ways I can be better in my career, and show up better.

00:29:22.084 --> 00:29:28.503
But we sometimes expect our romantic relationship to just keep rolling, with no work.

00:29:32.318 --> 00:29:35.669
I'm wondering as you say that, it's a scary thing.

00:29:35.939 --> 00:29:48.358
I was thinking my, wife and I would normally do we still do date nights every week, which I want to talk about date nights we would do, we also would talk about, we would also do evening walks with our dogs.

00:29:49.398 --> 00:29:53.548
However, over time, that's actually disappeared for us.

00:29:53.578 --> 00:29:57.638
Now she does morning walks on her own and we don't do it as a couple anymore.

00:29:58.118 --> 00:30:07.778
And, and I feel like a big reason for that is because about a year ago, I gave up my office and I've been working from home now.

00:30:08.259 --> 00:30:12.868
And she's always worked from home and now our kids are going to school online from home.

00:30:13.459 --> 00:30:16.808
And we're here around each other 24 seven.

00:30:16.858 --> 00:30:31.288
And as you describe that, I think yeah, all of our conversations are those like need to do conversations now rather than the, yeah the really deep stuff.

00:30:31.419 --> 00:30:31.808
And.

00:30:32.433 --> 00:30:42.203
And what, I think was really powerful was last, a couple weeks ago was Thanksgiving, and we had a family game night, which we haven't had in so long.

00:30:42.614 --> 00:30:46.423
And we really had fun and talked and all this stuff.

00:30:47.153 --> 00:30:50.933
And I'm like, wow, it has, we're around each other all the time.

00:30:51.663 --> 00:30:53.413
And we're almost like just taking it for granted.

00:30:53.423 --> 00:30:57.403
And that one night, which we were around each other, just like any other time, was just so special.

00:30:58.874 --> 00:30:59.624
We didn't have guests.

00:30:59.624 --> 00:31:00.453
It was still just us.

00:31:00.453 --> 00:31:01.983
We just had a family game, but it was different.

00:31:02.023 --> 00:31:14.308
And it's so easy to get lost In that day to day when all we know day to day is each other, we don't have a breakup anymore, and that might be a sign of the times, because I don't think we're unique anymore.

00:31:14.308 --> 00:31:17.439
A lot of people are working from home and around each other.

00:31:17.979 --> 00:31:20.159
Yeah, no we have, the same.

00:31:20.179 --> 00:31:22.459
We work from home as well, together.

00:31:23.094 --> 00:31:28.753
It sounds as you're talking about it, how do you feel about missing the dog walking?

00:31:30.223 --> 00:31:35.153
Yeah, I'm not feeling guilty about it, which is sad in its own, right?

00:31:35.824 --> 00:31:43.834
I think, I feel like because we're around each other so much, there's almost it doesn't, I used to really look forward to that.

00:31:43.844 --> 00:31:46.973
That was a big part, I've described it on this show, in other episodes.

00:31:47.213 --> 00:31:52.894
It was, and now that doesn't, It's not coming up without having breaks from each other much.

00:31:53.134 --> 00:32:27.378
So it's almost It's making me there's something that i've been thinking about i'm digressing but A lot is I believe the way our society is going is in a direction that we're we are in where We're work and home and everything has come together so much that we are You know Not appreciating the breakup of all that you know what I mean, it's blended so much that does that sounds right?

00:32:27.378 --> 00:32:39.679
like it doesn't feed to the strength of When you go away you come home from work, I see Stacey get all excited, want to go for a walk, talk about the day, all of that.

00:32:39.679 --> 00:32:44.239
Now she knows it all throughout the day and it's been digested throughout the day.

00:32:44.249 --> 00:32:45.778
And do you know what I mean?

00:32:46.648 --> 00:32:47.259
I do.

00:32:47.328 --> 00:33:12.778
I think, during COVID and the lockdown, we, I don't know if you remember, but there was all kinds of posting of, oh, this is so nice, we have space, we're with each other, we can spend time, and we can, we should never go back to being so busy that we are, have no space to be with our family and people that we love.

00:33:14.419 --> 00:33:18.479
After the quarantine ended and we went back, we doubled down.

00:33:20.259 --> 00:33:23.398
We doubled down and we made work almost all the time.

00:33:23.679 --> 00:33:30.949
We brought work into the home, and we became that our whole lives are revolving around work.

00:33:31.429 --> 00:33:31.848
That's right.

00:33:32.749 --> 00:33:51.118
And there's one thing because my husband and I, the same thing, we'll cross each other in the kitchen getting coffee or something like that during the day as he's in his office or doing whatever, but the dog walking gives us a We're out of the house.

00:33:51.118 --> 00:33:53.949
We are with each other that we are on.

00:33:54.308 --> 00:33:57.469
Okay, now let's talk to each other about what's going on.

00:33:57.979 --> 00:33:59.959
He's closing his art gallery right now.

00:33:59.959 --> 00:34:02.568
He's got a big transition going on for him.

00:34:04.118 --> 00:34:13.909
More doing his painting here or in a working gallery, but not a show gallery and sending his art different places.

00:34:14.389 --> 00:34:16.659
This is a big transition for him.

00:34:17.128 --> 00:34:17.478
Yeah.

00:34:17.739 --> 00:34:21.318
And so talking about what is it like to pack up a gallery?

00:34:21.318 --> 00:34:23.789
Talk about what, are you feeling?

00:34:23.818 --> 00:34:27.958
What are all the complicated emotions where we all can go through our day?

00:34:27.958 --> 00:34:35.909
We don't usually talk about I feel like a failure or I feel like I missed opportunities or I feel I'm doubting myself.

00:34:35.909 --> 00:34:37.018
I'm doubting my capability.

00:34:37.539 --> 00:34:40.179
These are all normal human emotions.

00:34:40.568 --> 00:34:40.838
Yeah.

00:34:40.849 --> 00:34:45.349
We all have, but to not talk about them and bury them.

00:34:46.389 --> 00:34:53.028
It just festers and it becomes bigger and it doesn't work as opposed to Okay, let's talk about that.

00:34:53.028 --> 00:34:55.358
Let's talk about what part of you is sad.

00:34:55.369 --> 00:34:56.818
What part of you is angry?

00:34:57.429 --> 00:35:00.719
What part of you is unresolved on this then?

00:35:01.329 --> 00:35:05.219
We've got that time on our walks with our dogs.

00:35:06.208 --> 00:35:21.664
We're just with each other Yeah, you know even dinner prep we do dinner prep together, but we're cutting this music on and it's not up It's not a focused time to just talk with each other about how are you about your life?

00:35:24.253 --> 00:35:24.824
Yeah, I know.

00:35:24.824 --> 00:35:54.313
I think we need to make it happen again for that it almost just feels you know When you talk about how we revolve around work, I read a stat I think it was just published like a week or so ago where Americans are now By far the most productive people in the world something like for Every hour we get seven hours worth of productivity here and no other country even comes close and, we brag about, I, I didn't think about the negativity around that.

00:35:54.724 --> 00:36:01.063
There's actually, we thought that was a very positive thing, but it's come at the expense, I think, of.

00:36:03.494 --> 00:36:04.614
I read a study years ago.

00:36:04.614 --> 00:36:06.543
I don't know how many years ago at this point.

00:36:06.543 --> 00:36:07.554
I got to check it out.

00:36:07.918 --> 00:36:15.289
Now, but at that time, the study showed that Americans were working 58 hours a week on average.

00:36:15.338 --> 00:36:17.548
Now, that includes part time workers.

00:36:17.759 --> 00:36:18.068
Yeah.

00:36:18.338 --> 00:36:20.699
People who work at McDonald's, Target, whatever.

00:36:21.059 --> 00:36:21.458
Unbelievable.

00:36:21.878 --> 00:36:25.259
That means full time workers are closer to 80 hours a week.

00:36:25.599 --> 00:36:25.739
Yeah.

00:36:25.759 --> 00:36:30.068
That same study showed Italy at 14 hours a week.

00:36:31.619 --> 00:36:42.688
Now, Italy, if you've been, and this is, Why Americans, I think, just love Italy and go bonkers for Italy is that they close the shop.

00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:47.619
They go and have a big lunch with their family for two and a half hours.

00:36:48.028 --> 00:36:50.079
They open back up in the afternoon.

00:36:50.378 --> 00:36:54.349
They're open for a few hours and they close again and go to a late dinner with friends.

00:36:54.949 --> 00:36:59.289
They put family and relationship at the forefront.

00:37:02.548 --> 00:37:03.659
Let's talk about date nights.

00:37:04.474 --> 00:37:04.614
Yes.

00:37:05.704 --> 00:37:05.764
I'm glad.

00:37:05.764 --> 00:37:11.264
What are, yeah, this is something we have been very consistent with for years now, which is great.

00:37:12.373 --> 00:37:16.313
But I'm curious your take on it, what makes for a good date night?

00:37:18.284 --> 00:37:19.764

The Secrets of Joyful Monogamy with Lynne Sheridan

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