The Secret Lives of Teens with Jon Mattleman

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Don't let your brain be your worst enemy.

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There are a lot of people out there who will be a natural enemy of yours, who will compete with you, but don't let your own brain be your worst enemy, my brain for so much of my life was my worst enemy.

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And you know, it's taken me decades to really figure out how to make it work for me, but if we could not allow that enemy in, we do ourselves a great service.

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Welcome to The Wayfinder Show with Luis Hernandez, where guests discuss the why and how of making changes that led them down a more authentic path or allow them to level up in some area of their life.

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Our goal is to dig deep and provide not only knowledge, but actionable advice to help you get from where you are to where you want to be.

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Come join us and find the way to your dream life.

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Welcome back to the Wayfinder Show.

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I'm your host, Luis Hernandez, and today I am here with John Madelman.

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John is a therapist and presenter with over 30 years of experience specializing in teen mental health.

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John is renowned for his presentation, The Secret Lives of Teens and Tweens, which offers practical tools for understanding and supporting adolescents.

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With his warm approach and a dash of humor, John helps parents, educators, and teens themselves navigate The complex challenges of adolescence in today's world.

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John, welcome to the way finder show.

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Hey, I'm really happy to be here.

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Thank you.

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I'm excited too.

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As we talked about a little bit, I am, the father of pretty much your ideal clients.

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I have a 16 and 19 year old daughter.

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So I'm really curious about this.

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I have a hard time, understanding their troubles today and, supporting them.

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So I'm hoping you can help us.

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Yeah, that'd be fun.

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By the way, you know, I'm pretty much an expert.

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I want to tell you why, when my kids were teens, I only had one fight with them.

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That was from September of 2011 to June of 2019.

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It was one.

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Eight year battle.

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So I only had one fight, but it was one eight year battle.

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You figured it out right away.

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Well, that's funny.

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Okay.

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Very good.

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And so your kids are young adults now, I suppose.

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They're young adults now.

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And, yeah.

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But it's important for parents to keep talking about teens because even if your kids are older, they sometimes act like teens and you'll have grandchildren at some point.

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So it's a good always talk about.

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I'm realizing the teenage years for parents are difficult in many ways, but I think the biggest one I'm starting to understand is our transition to go in from parents to friends is what it feels like, that we should be, you know, my oldest daughter, who's now 19.

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She's our best friend and the more I've accepted that and treat her as that, the better our relationship gets.

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Yeah, I get that.

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You know, on the other hand, nothing wrong with that at all.

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You know, kids want parents to be parents all the time too.

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So, you know, marrying that friendship part, cause it does shift a little bit.

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Remember when they were born, we got to name them.

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We got to pick their clothes and their play days.

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And as they get older, they have more and more input into things.

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Yeah.

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All of a sudden, when they have too much input, a lot of parents says, wait a second for that.

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Who gave you the right to make those decisions?

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Yeah, so where is the fine line?

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Because we, you know, we're in that time of transition where we're trying to let go and that's hard for us personally that we have to work through.

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But we also, when we're accepting that, we want them to take ownership and make their own decisions and such.

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and it can be hard because sometimes those decisions are not the ones that we want them to make as well, right?

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But, are there any good.

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best practices, I guess, around.

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Yeah, sure.

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Absolutely.

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Well, first of all, kids are going to make mistakes that is going to happen.

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And, I fought with my kids a lot when they were growing up, you know, I remember my daughter, we were in a fight.

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I used to call it going up the anger escalator.

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Cause you know, I would say something, she would say something.

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finally in desperation, I said to her, Jess, do you want me to talk or just listen?

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I'll never forget what she said to me, even though it was like 15 years ago, she looked me right in the eye and she said, are you fucking kidding me?

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I said, what?

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She says, are you capable of listening?

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when I was fighting with her, I wasn't so capable.

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I was thinking about what I was going to say, a teachable moment, telling her what she had done wrong.

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One of the things I always tell parents is it's much more important what they say than what we say.

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Think about it.

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If a child has grown up in your home for say, you know, 5, 000 days, right?

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They know right from wrong.

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They know the family rules, the family expectations.

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They can't always do right from wrong and they don't always want to do right from wrong.

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So it's important to be quiet.

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And in my example that I used in my life, I'm My daughter said, how does this work?

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And I said, I'm going to shut up.

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And I listened for 10 minutes and something happened, which was magical.

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She talked without fear of analysis, judgment, and feedback at the very end.

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She said, slyly.

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So dad, what do you have to say?

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This is the hook the kids have.

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And thank God I had 10 minutes to think about my reply.

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Cause I wouldn't have had a good, I said, thank you.

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And she said, what do you mean?

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Thank you.

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I said it's really important for me to understand how your brain thinks more so than tell you what to do.

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If you show a kid a movie of any kind of situation, drinking, drugging, sexuality, and say to a teen, break down what they could have been thinking of, what they should have been thinking of, what they should have done.

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Every kid can do that.

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They know right from wrong.

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They just don't always want to do right from wrong.

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Yeah.

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And why, why, why don't they?

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Well, you know, they're growing, they're challenging things.

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And when they do stuff, you know, the example I always talk about is like when my son Jay came home drunk, by the way, I tell stories about my kids.

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I don't know about this.

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I wanted to mention that, you know, uh, now most parents would have just been angry.

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Oh, I was angry.

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All right.

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But most kids would have been angry and say you're grounded for life or whatever we would have said.

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And when Jay came home drunk, when he was in high school, I looked at him.

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I said, Jake, I want to tell you two things.

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One is I love you.

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And two is I know you got drunk for a good reason.

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He looked at me like I was insane.

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And you know, he went up to bed very, very drunk.

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And the reality is he Did get drunk for a good reason to him.

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Not good in terms of safety, athletic eligibility, all those sorts of things, but it made sense to them.

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Always interested in alcohol, always interested in being drunk, always interested in being really drunk, hanging out with older kids.

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He wanted to impress, hang out with older athletes.

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He was desperate to impress.

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So we have to remember that everything that a child does and what an adult does, we do for a reason and a good reason for that person.

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It might not be good for other rationales.

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By the way, just a quick add on to that.

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You know, you're so screwed when your father's a therapist, you don't get punished.

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You have to go to an AA meeting when you come home drunk.

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I feel so bad for my kids.

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I screwed them over so often, but my son got me back because now he is a social worker himself and he therapizes me.

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So, you know, I'm getting it back from him these days.

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Wow, that is brilliant.

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I love that.

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So you sent him right to an AA meeting from the We went together.

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We went to an AA meeting together and it was an amazing experience.

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I was actually sitting in the AA meeting.

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I've been there with clients many times and I'm not a religious person, but I'm praying, please.

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I need a great AA meeting for my delinquent son.

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And it was a really good meeting.

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And afterward, Guess what we talked about?

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Nothing because the meeting stood on its own.

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You know, sometimes parents over process things.

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And when I got in the car to drive home, I said to myself, literally shut up, don't say anything until Jake says something.

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And he didn't say anything on the way home, except the block from home.

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He said, that was really interesting.

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And I said, I thought so too.

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It stood on its own.

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We don't have to process over and over kids think, or say to parents, you've repeated yourself five times.

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The reason is because we have repeated ourselves like five times.

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Wow.

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That's powerful.

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So, you mentioned already, you have a boy and a girl, do you notice differences in general, general differences between the two?

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Well, I hate to say it, but I do, I do, you know, there are definitely difference.

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And, you know, I want to say for the parents who are out there, if you have a child, Who likes to be in control.

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Who's very anxious.

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They're lower risk for things like drinking and drugging and those sort of things because they like to be in control.

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My son didn't mind being out of control.

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So he was much more at risk about those things.

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And of course we have the overlay of COVID.

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I always say about COVID, COVID Was relatively sparing of young people's bodies, but was devastating upon their mental health.

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And we're seeing the wave of that now.

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if you look statistically, in terms of depression, it's up to 44 percent of high school kids are depressed.

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10 percent of kids in high school, have attempted to end their life, attempted suicide, 10%.

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So if you have an average high school of say a thousand kids, that'd be a hundred kids in that building in the last year.

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Who've attempted to end their life.

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It's really Overwhelming.

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And, you know, people don't realize how big it is from Boston.

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So I use Fenway park as my example.

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Imagine you're sitting in Fenway park and imagine looking to your left and looking to your right and looking at the dugout, look at everyone in that state.

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And now let's add 8, 000 people.

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That's the number of people that die by suicide every year in this country, close to 50, 000, it's a crisis.

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And that is why we have the national hotline number of 9 8 8.

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Everyone knows 9 1 1 9 8 8 has been around for two years.

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are ending their lives.

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And just one quick thing, and then I'll be quiet.

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In Massachusetts, The highest number of completed suicides were for men, 85 and older, not young people.

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Most people are not aware of that.

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Wait, men, how much, how old?

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85 years and older.

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I know it seems like you didn't hear it.

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Yes.

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Think about it.

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At that age, they may have lost, you know, their partner, their husband, you know, their wife, loss of health, loss of mobility.

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And so of course young people are important.

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But if we.

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Had a limited amount of money for suicide prevention.

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We wouldn't even focus on young people because those populations don't have the highest number of completed suicides.

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Interesting.

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Wow.

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And so where do teens rank in that?

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Because you said about 10 percent of them are attempted.

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Well, usually it depends.

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It varies year to year.

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So, you know, 25 to 34 and 45 to 54, typically it changes, of course, every year.

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the most number of completed suicides, you know, the young people are, Toward the bottom.

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I don't know off hand, what number they're at.

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but it's obviously significant when a young person has a completed suicide.

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It's so particularly devastating.

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I done suicide work for 30 years and know a lot about it, but still I, there's a part of me, which doesn't understand it.

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Oh, I understand all the dynamics.

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I understand the pain that they're in.

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They want to escape their pain, but you just want to get them over that.

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You know, that hard time and, you know, my kids have had hard times too.

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And I'm glad I do what I do professionally because I felt better equipped to deal with it.

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Now, I wasn't perfectly equipped because I'm still their dad.

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I'm not a therapist at home, but, I was better equipped.

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Yeah.

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You know, every parent.

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I'm sorry.

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Go ahead.

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attempts versus actual success rate, if you can call it that.

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what does that vary?

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I would think for teens, the completion rate would be much lower.

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It is.

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It is lower.

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Interestingly enough, that, for when we compare, like high school boys, you know, young men, for example.

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That rate young men attempt far fewer times than young women, but young men have a significantly higher completion rate.

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That's why their raw numbers are higher because boys and men use more lethal means.

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So states like Massachusetts, where I reside, we have very strict gun control laws.

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California is the same states was have strict gun control laws.

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much lower rates of completed suicides.

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I speak in Vermont quite a bit.

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The laws are much more relaxed around guns and their suicide rate is twice what it is in Massachusetts per person.

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Wow.

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Okay.

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So gun control plays a big role.

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so what about, I'm just wondering while we're on the overall stats for just attempts, not completion.

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is that still?

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is that closer, to the other age demographics?

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Like you mentioned, it was 85, for men, 85 and older, it was really high, but that's completion.

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Yeah, I don't, off the top of my head, I don't have it.

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one of the terms people throw around is for every completed suicide temps or between.

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25 and 125 attempts.

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and like I said, states which have good gun control laws, if you want to use a gun to end your life, you're going to have a high completion rate.

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So wherever people are personally about guns, there is no debate when we talk, about suicide.

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Sure.

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Wow.

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Interesting.

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So how about, Anxiety.

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Let's talk about anxiety first.

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I just want to say I'm an expert in anxiety.

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I want to tell you why my wife tells me I make her anxious all the damn time.

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So by that definition, I'm an expert and I'm an anxious person, but this is something that, we're starting to talk about.

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And when I give talks, I always say this, when I start, I have a talk called let's talk about the a word anxiety.

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And when I give that talk live, when I begin, I always say I can actually pick out all the anxious people in the room.

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Peep.

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We'll kind of pull back like, Oh, this guy's like a little nutty.

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He's going to tell people.

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And I always say, okay, if you were here 20 minutes early, God forbid you had the wrong day, the wrong time, the wrong school, the door wouldn't open.

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Anxious people are always on time.

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Even today when we were meeting, I was really on time.

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You were very early.

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Yeah.

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So, you know, it's not a bad thing to be anxious.

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It's just that it is, but we have to start.

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Talking about what anxiety is and what it's not and the things to say to someone who's anxious, but more importantly, well, I'll ask you, what is the worst thing to say to someone who's anxious?

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What comes to mind when I say that the worst thing.

00:14:02.184 --> 00:14:02.825
What's wrong?

00:14:03.394 --> 00:14:03.855
Yeah.

00:14:04.375 --> 00:14:07.340
Or my favorite calm down or my actually all time.

00:14:08.740 --> 00:14:09.559
It's all in your head.

00:14:09.570 --> 00:14:11.169
Well, of course, it's all in your head.

00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:12.909
That's what anxiety is, right?

00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:13.320
Yeah.

00:14:13.330 --> 00:14:19.320
We need to learn better things to say and better things to do to help someone who's having a panic attack.

00:14:19.549 --> 00:14:31.649
if you look at the percentage of people who anxiety being the number one diagnosed mental health disorder in this country, and then you look at people who've had a panic attack, most people have either had it or witnessed somebody having it.

00:14:32.375 --> 00:14:38.294
You know, they need what I always say is, the carriage to say the right thing and the language, what the heck to say.

00:14:38.629 --> 00:14:39.220
So what is it?

00:14:39.309 --> 00:14:42.220
about suicide, like I'll just tell you quickly about suicide.

00:14:42.350 --> 00:14:47.039
If someone ever comes up to you and says, I want to kill myself, sometimes people say, you don't mean that things will get better.

00:14:47.039 --> 00:14:48.750
Well intentioned, but not helpful.

00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:51.940
The best thing to say in that case is tell me more.

00:14:52.440 --> 00:14:55.759
I want to learn when to open up conversation around anxiety.

00:14:55.799 --> 00:14:57.360
We do the same thing.

00:14:57.529 --> 00:14:59.379
You don't want to say, I know how you feel.

00:14:59.409 --> 00:15:00.860
You don't know how a person feels.

00:15:01.090 --> 00:15:03.759
Even if you're an anxious person, you won't want to say that.

00:15:03.850 --> 00:15:05.480
Tell me, tell me what's going on right now.

00:15:05.480 --> 00:15:06.419
Tell me what you're feeling.

00:15:06.419 --> 00:15:07.559
Tell me what you're thinking.

00:15:07.559 --> 00:15:09.115
Okay.

00:15:10.184 --> 00:15:20.825
Yeah, that, that's such a powerful, as you know, as I've developed as a podcaster, I've really been studying questioning in conversations and that just keeps coming up.

00:15:20.884 --> 00:15:21.654
Tell me more.

00:15:22.904 --> 00:15:27.654
Like simple when I do suicide, I probably do 50 suicide prevention trainings a year.

00:15:27.884 --> 00:15:30.414
And when I say that I see people smile because it's simple.

00:15:30.424 --> 00:15:31.705
We don't want to make it difficult.

00:15:31.715 --> 00:15:43.455
We want to give people language so they don't have to think most people within their lifetime Will have a colleague a friend a child a partner say I wish I were dead And we want to say the right thing.

00:15:43.455 --> 00:15:47.389
We don't want to use humor You know, people use humor because they're uncomfortable.

00:15:47.419 --> 00:15:48.580
I totally get that.

00:15:48.580 --> 00:15:53.009
But if you can remember, tell me more, you've just done a great service for that person.

00:15:53.379 --> 00:15:59.440
So as you listed off the things to say, I feel like I, I naturally do just about everything wrong.

00:15:59.509 --> 00:16:00.850
I say, calm down.

00:16:01.149 --> 00:16:02.340
It's all going to be okay.

00:16:02.620 --> 00:16:03.710
I can relate to that.

00:16:03.710 --> 00:16:04.330
I get it.

00:16:04.759 --> 00:16:05.549
We all do.

00:16:05.559 --> 00:16:05.950
We all do.

00:16:06.039 --> 00:16:08.509
But remember, our intention is really good.

00:16:08.730 --> 00:16:09.049
Yeah.

00:16:09.059 --> 00:16:13.250
But remember this, we judge ourselves by our intentions, especially a parent of a teen.

00:16:13.490 --> 00:16:15.059
You judge yourself by your intention.

00:16:15.100 --> 00:16:16.710
Like your child wants to go to.

00:16:18.044 --> 00:16:24.934
And they want to drive with a friend who's like, just got their license last week and you say, no, your intention is to keep your child safe.

00:16:25.384 --> 00:16:26.855
You're not judged by your intention.

00:16:26.855 --> 00:16:28.335
You're judged by your actions.

00:16:28.384 --> 00:16:31.054
And in a kid's vernacular, that sucks.

00:16:31.174 --> 00:16:32.164
I mean, we all do that.

00:16:32.164 --> 00:16:37.955
Think about a fight you've had with a partner, with a relative, you know, my intention was to help you out.

00:16:37.965 --> 00:16:38.975
And they'll say, you know what?

00:16:39.230 --> 00:16:44.600
That may have been your attention, but what you did was really offensive or wasn't helpful or sucked or whatever it is.

00:16:44.799 --> 00:16:49.950
So it's always important for parents to remember that dichotomy and to explain it to a child.

00:16:49.960 --> 00:16:58.149
When I used to have to say something to my kids in the kind of realm of no, I would always say, my intention is to keep you safe emotionally or physically.

00:16:58.350 --> 00:17:01.649
You know, I know you're judging me on my actions and you're pissed off now.

00:17:01.659 --> 00:17:04.710
It's not like my son or daughter jumped up and say, you know, Thank you, dad.

00:17:04.710 --> 00:17:06.329
Now I understand why you did it.

00:17:06.390 --> 00:17:08.089
That's really helping me grow as an adult.

00:17:08.119 --> 00:17:13.940
That never happened, but I'm setting the stage and letting them know how I'm thinking in my process.

00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:19.930
In the same way, early, we talked about getting to know the process of how your child thinks when they make a mistake.

00:17:20.579 --> 00:17:20.940
Yeah.

00:17:21.589 --> 00:17:22.069
Interesting.

00:17:22.430 --> 00:17:26.880
You know, why, why, COVID continues to be like the defining.

00:17:27.575 --> 00:17:30.625
It's a moment of this current generation, it seems like.

00:17:30.855 --> 00:17:31.954
Right, Gen Z, I would say.

00:17:32.305 --> 00:17:36.775
in your understanding, how has it affected them so much and what are the repercussions we're seeing because of it?

00:17:36.775 --> 00:17:38.085
Yeah, let's talk about that.

00:17:38.894 --> 00:17:46.845
It was traumatic and the thing about trauma is there is no timeline, you know, if COVID were magically over and I read yesterday that 1.

00:17:46.845 --> 00:17:50.095
2 Americans are getting COVID every single day, 1.

00:17:50.095 --> 00:17:55.605
2 million, if COVID was magically over, you know, the trauma would not be over.

00:17:55.785 --> 00:17:57.865
and so parents have to understand that.

00:17:57.865 --> 00:18:04.184
And when I talk to groups, visually, I take a piece of blank white paper and I say, this is our life before COVID.

00:18:04.394 --> 00:18:10.115
And then I crunch up the piece of paper and I said, COVID came, it made our world small, literally.

00:18:11.174 --> 00:18:14.845
And I said, I'm going to try to return this piece of paper to its original form.

00:18:15.045 --> 00:18:19.400
And I take it and I spread it out and, you know, Fan it out and try to get it back to its original form.

00:18:19.400 --> 00:18:24.920
But when I hold it up for my audience, whether I'm doing it online or in person, they see all the creases in there.

00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:27.289
And I said, this is what COVID has done.

00:18:27.299 --> 00:18:29.000
You know, it has impact our world.

00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:30.410
So we've tried to flatten it out.

00:18:30.410 --> 00:18:32.400
We've tried to get back to where we are.

00:18:32.549 --> 00:18:37.460
But every crease might represent anxiety, depression, thoughts of self harm, thoughts of suicide.

00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:42.859
what are some different trends you're seeing with teenagers now compared to like our generation.

00:18:44.839 --> 00:18:47.240
Yeah, so some big trends and good trends.

00:18:47.240 --> 00:18:48.359
Let's talk about the good stuff.

00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:53.609
Drinking between 2011 and 2021 has decreased significantly.

00:18:53.970 --> 00:18:55.029
People are not aware of that.

00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:58.029
Marijuana use decreased significantly.

00:18:58.539 --> 00:19:01.049
In school bullying decreased significantly.

00:19:01.380 --> 00:19:06.150
Things, unfortunately, like, depression, self harm, suicide, those sort of things have increased.

00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:08.400
But let's also note what's happened.

00:19:08.400 --> 00:19:14.230
Now, kids are spending less time together because They're on their phone, that sort of thing that is part of it.

00:19:14.230 --> 00:19:22.460
But let's celebrate the fact that a significant drop in marijuana use and alcohol use when the brain is developing, kids have a highly reactive brain.

00:19:22.670 --> 00:19:25.440
And so when you're introducing substances or trauma.

00:19:25.779 --> 00:19:31.059
During a young stage, it tends to stick a little bit more than for other age groups.

00:19:31.569 --> 00:19:31.839
Hmm.

00:19:32.910 --> 00:19:33.269
Yeah.

00:19:33.269 --> 00:19:39.440
I follow the brewing industry a little bit and I know that the fastest growing beer is actually non-alcoholic.

00:19:39.559 --> 00:19:46.480
And now I see here I've been, going to an event in downtown Denver all week in, in, all of the alcohol stations.

00:19:47.220 --> 00:19:47.880
They have.

00:19:49.075 --> 00:19:53.255
a whole section of just non alcoholic, which didn't exist before, which is interesting.

00:19:53.625 --> 00:19:53.964
Yeah.

00:19:54.164 --> 00:20:00.194
I mean, that's why I think drinking, drugging, vaping to a very highly reactive sensitive brain is so dangerous.

00:20:00.244 --> 00:20:03.015
the teen brain is much more prone to addiction.

00:20:03.204 --> 00:20:06.944
and we used to think teen brains weren't very smart because they're always making mistakes.

00:20:06.984 --> 00:20:07.555
Those sort of things.

00:20:07.555 --> 00:20:14.079
Teen brains are incredibly smart, but They haven't developed enough and they haven't developed, you know, they don't have a lot of experience.

00:20:14.309 --> 00:20:17.009
They're relying on a friend who doesn't have a lot of experience.

00:20:17.009 --> 00:20:21.869
And we now know from science tells us that teen brains develop till the age of 25.

00:20:22.150 --> 00:20:25.630
Looking at my own kids, it must be the age of 30 cause they're not there yet.

00:20:25.799 --> 00:20:30.279
but the point is it develops over time and parents want to accelerate that.

00:20:30.279 --> 00:20:36.000
We want to push that magic button when our teens are not doing what we think they should do and get them there.

00:20:36.019 --> 00:20:41.335
I always say to parents, Don't ever change your expectations of your kids, but you might have to change your timeline.

00:20:41.595 --> 00:21:01.394
My son Jake was on his own timeline and I really wanted to get his you know what together by the time he was a junior in high school, but he didn't and guess what he was literally a junior in college and I could have been more relaxed you know and I realized Jake was on his own timeline and we have to respect that and understand everyone has their own timeline.

00:21:01.394 --> 00:21:03.045
Jake's an amazing young man.

00:21:03.045 --> 00:21:07.954
Now he was, you know, he had challenged just in high school for sure.

00:21:07.964 --> 00:21:12.894
So I say, don't ever change your expectations of your kids, but you might have to change your timeline.

00:21:12.994 --> 00:21:13.505
good point.

00:21:14.224 --> 00:21:24.474
So do, have you found that with the, minimized alcohol and marijuana use that other drugs have replaced that, or is it just overall substance abuse is lower?

00:21:24.525 --> 00:21:31.644
Well, we know that during COVID people who could get drugs of all ages were doing more drugs, but a lot of people couldn't do drugs.

00:21:32.069 --> 00:21:37.140
So COVID, you know, one of the good things about COVID, there were only a few was in terms of drug use.

00:21:37.140 --> 00:21:43.809
I mean, the other was that mental health issues came to the fore and people acknowledge them as not only significant, but worthy.

00:21:43.859 --> 00:21:46.630
I mean, in our culture, we're so good with things from the neck down.

00:21:46.930 --> 00:21:47.670
I would think about this.

00:21:47.670 --> 00:21:53.359
If you broke your leg, can you imagine waiting two days, two weeks, two years, two months, or never to get assistance?

00:21:53.359 --> 00:21:54.319
That's ridiculous.

00:21:54.470 --> 00:21:56.789
You break your leg, you're going right to the hospital, right?

00:21:56.819 --> 00:22:00.710
We're so good for the neck down for the neck up between shame and stigma.

00:22:01.039 --> 00:22:01.710
We don't do that.

00:22:01.710 --> 00:22:08.579
In fact, there's an 11 year gap, like literally, 11 year gap between the beginning of a mental health issue and when people get assistance.

00:22:08.710 --> 00:22:13.420
If you waited 11 years to get assistance for your broken leg, you might not be walking.

00:22:13.420 --> 00:22:17.730
And if you did walk, you'd walk with a pretty severe limp butt, is my guess.

00:22:17.970 --> 00:22:19.049
Yeah, that makes sense.

00:22:19.734 --> 00:22:27.174
So, what about, how, how, oftentimes when it goes to, like, something goes, everything kind of works like a pendulum, right?

00:22:27.174 --> 00:22:29.734
We go into one extreme and then the other.

00:22:29.994 --> 00:22:42.670
are we seeing that overcompensation now of, you know, maybe not, people not getting together or not using substances or what have you in the other direction or what do you see?

00:22:42.690 --> 00:22:53.184
There's definitely a lot of that, you know, kids are relying on technology for their information about all sorts of things substances anxiety Suicide, that sort of thing.

00:22:53.184 --> 00:22:59.984
There was a recent study of high school girls and the study asked, you know, where do you get your good information around these mental health issues?

00:23:00.295 --> 00:23:03.934
Well, the most was in person, but very closely followed was Tik TOK.

00:23:03.934 --> 00:23:11.724
People were surprised that if you've ever been on Tik TOK, I always say to parents, if your kid has Tik TOK, you need to get Tik TOK, you sit down with your kid and you say, I'm a moron.

00:23:11.724 --> 00:23:12.724
Tell me how this works.

00:23:12.825 --> 00:23:13.835
Your kids will love that.

00:23:14.065 --> 00:23:17.825
But you know, you can learn a heck of a lot around anxiety on Tik TOK.

00:23:17.825 --> 00:23:18.015
Yeah.

00:23:18.015 --> 00:23:19.845
It can also be triggering their videos.

00:23:20.390 --> 00:23:30.190
Which are triggering there's information which is not accurate, but like let's Acknowledge some of the good things that some of these platforms are all about.

00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:31.009
Yeah.

00:23:32.380 --> 00:23:42.119
Yeah you know tiktok is one of those that I find like a lot of people my age and everything I mean, it's highly addictive people definitely, use it and it does provide a lot of great.

00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:53.819
I always say to parents, if you're going to sit down for Tik TOK for the first time, plan for several hours because it's intoxicating, you'll just be clicking all over the place and you look at your watches three hours later.

00:23:53.980 --> 00:23:58.990
And by the way, the number one social media platform is, believe it or not, YouTube.

00:23:59.019 --> 00:24:01.400
People don't think of that as a social media platform.

00:24:01.710 --> 00:24:05.559
Tik TOK was not around, you know, it's only been around about, eight years or so.

00:24:05.970 --> 00:24:06.200
Right.

00:24:06.279 --> 00:24:07.460
so it's relatively new.

00:24:07.900 --> 00:24:18.319
what about, I'm curious, some of the other things I've read about teenagers today is that they seem to be more conservative in nature than we were, right?

00:24:18.380 --> 00:24:19.779
Or even our parents.

00:24:19.779 --> 00:24:27.410
I mean, we think about our parents, you know, they were the Woodstock generation and, you know, the hippie movement and all and such, right?

00:24:27.565 --> 00:24:31.744
it now seems to have been a reversal little by little generation to generation.

00:24:31.914 --> 00:24:46.964
I think that's true, but, it's also dependent if you think about issues of Actuality when I was growing up, you were male or female, the boys dated the girls in terms of having a more liberal and more up to date approach.

00:24:47.015 --> 00:24:55.214
You know, everything's on a spectrum, and non binary is a term that we never heard, until whatever it was 10 or 15 years ago.

00:24:55.494 --> 00:25:01.265
So I think it really depends on what is happening, and what the issue is, for young people, Yeah.

00:25:01.295 --> 00:25:08.694
It seems to be the identity issue of today that I see a lot with my, you know, they, my kids don't seem to be as concerned when we were growing up.

00:25:08.694 --> 00:25:10.954
It was definitely race was a big issue, right?

00:25:10.954 --> 00:25:12.204
Like the identity issue.

00:25:12.505 --> 00:25:16.484
And now it seems to be more around sexuality for sure.

00:25:16.835 --> 00:25:25.204
And, my kids get mad at me if I don't use the right pronoun with us, all people, we know what to say, but we can't always remember in the moment.

00:25:25.494 --> 00:25:38.275
And if you look at some of the statistics, the people who are gay, lesbian, transgendered in terms of suicidal ideation, suicidal thought, and attempted suicide and completed suicide, it's off the charts.

00:25:38.484 --> 00:25:47.134
So this is a population that has been They're served and they feel pretty isolated, you know, relatively speaking, and they feel pretty alone and they don't feel accepted.

00:25:47.384 --> 00:25:50.474
So remembering those sort of things is great.

00:25:50.474 --> 00:25:53.835
And if you don't and someone corrects you, all right, that's great.

00:25:53.835 --> 00:25:55.095
You'll do it better the next time.

00:25:59.684 --> 00:26:07.984
So John, I'm curious, what are the other societal, you know, things that have really affected this generation nowadays?

00:26:08.545 --> 00:26:16.704
Do you say well, you know in some ways they're asked to grow up very quickly I mean think about what they're dealing with even in elementary school issues of drinking drugging sexuality.

00:26:16.704 --> 00:26:24.815
We didn't have that 24 hour nature of these sort of things doesn't give time for kids to rest I mean think about it our homes.

00:26:24.815 --> 00:26:36.970
Hopefully in a past generation Or places where we could feel safe, you know, if the phone rang, there was one phone in the house, maybe to your mom answered the phone, you know, and someone used to have to say, Oh, is John there?

00:26:36.980 --> 00:26:37.910
that sort of thing.

00:26:38.150 --> 00:26:46.109
the 24 hour nature, of things and the fact that everyone's accessible all the time is not giving kids time for downtime.

00:26:46.845 --> 00:27:07.150
A lot of parents have had this experience when they go away camping for the summer with their kids for a week or the beach they say no technology and their kids revolt because it's not in the dsm it's not actually an addiction yet technology but it is an addiction we know how many i had this experience recently i went out Do a local errand.

00:27:07.160 --> 00:27:11.910
I was seven blocks away and I, I forgot my phone and I thought, should I go home for my phone?

00:27:11.920 --> 00:27:14.440
I was just going to the hardware store down the street.

00:27:14.579 --> 00:27:19.970
If anything happened, I could walk home, you know, but we are very connected to those sort of things.

00:27:19.970 --> 00:27:24.930
And, you know, there's some rules around technology that all parents need to do.

00:27:25.170 --> 00:27:29.970
You know, technology cannot sleep in a young person's room because when they wake up, they're going to be checking their phone.

00:27:29.990 --> 00:27:30.579
How do I know it?

00:27:30.690 --> 00:27:33.619
Because adults do that, but young brains really need a lot more sleep.

00:27:34.329 --> 00:27:34.660
Yeah.

00:27:35.059 --> 00:27:42.839
I wonder, if you've seen that there's any differences between the suburbs and the city, if you grow up in one or the other.

00:27:44.089 --> 00:27:44.440
Yeah.

00:27:44.440 --> 00:27:56.130
Well, there certainly is, you know, around suicide rates, you know, we know that suburban and rural kids have higher rates oftentimes because, you know, in, in the rural communities they have access to guns more.

00:27:56.329 --> 00:27:58.569
so that's something that makes it a higher rate.

00:28:00.680 --> 00:28:04.420
And, you know, we think of things as city problems, but suicide does not discriminate.

00:28:04.450 --> 00:28:06.200
It is all over all age groups.

00:28:06.400 --> 00:28:17.079
I mean, the thing about, living in the suburbs is the Boston suburbs where I'm from, it's highly competitive and God forbid you don't go to Harvard, Yale or Princeton, like feel that they're a failure.

00:28:17.500 --> 00:28:21.319
it's a very tough place to live in terms of your emotional health.

00:28:21.589 --> 00:28:32.762
And you know, so I don't know, we, we, maybe the city is technically more dangerous physically, but in terms of emotional health, the suburbs are devastating for kids.

00:28:32.762 --> 00:28:33.366
Yeah.

00:28:33.366 --> 00:28:39.996
We lived in, in the suburbs, a pretty well to do suburb here in, in outside of a Boulder, Colorado.

00:28:40.586 --> 00:29:00.415
For about nine years our elementary our kids during their elementary school years and we were Just astounded as somebody who grew up in the inner city I couldn't believe what the my kids and their peers were up to in that age, you know And it's funny because now we moved to the city about five years ago just before covid So we did the reverse migration of what happened.

00:29:00.746 --> 00:29:02.395
We belong to a community center here.

00:29:02.695 --> 00:29:08.346
And I'm hearing all of these parents with teenage kids who are astounded because their kids are now getting into drugs and alcohol.

00:29:08.736 --> 00:29:14.006
And I'm thinking, oh, my kids were getting into, I mean, mine didn't, luckily.

00:29:14.236 --> 00:29:18.355
But a lot of my kids friends were, or at least that I know of, they very well could have.

00:29:18.766 --> 00:29:22.425
They were doing this stuff in elementary school in the burbs, and here it's like unheard of.

00:29:22.435 --> 00:29:26.746
They can't believe it that people, so it is very interesting.

00:29:26.796 --> 00:29:36.096
I find that there is a bigger lag and I don't know why that would be, but I think it contradicts what our narrative is, that, you know, as parents, right?

00:29:36.125 --> 00:29:58.695
we move with, Our kids to the suburbs when you're going to go to school because they're better there the safer all that stuff But we found the exact opposite and we reversed and it is actually we're finding that their relationships are healthier there is a lot less of the things that we saw in the suburbs, which was interesting You know, and we talked about kids a lot.

00:29:58.885 --> 00:30:01.935
One of the things that's really overlooked is that parents and their own mental health.

00:30:01.945 --> 00:30:06.046
We know during COVID 11 percent of adults attempted suicide.

00:30:06.306 --> 00:30:11.226
So if you think about that, the best way we can help our kids is by practicing self care.

00:30:11.445 --> 00:30:13.816
And I always tell adults, You stink at self care.

00:30:13.816 --> 00:30:14.976
You suck at self care.

00:30:15.125 --> 00:30:17.355
Oh, we're very good at telling other people what to do.

00:30:17.405 --> 00:30:23.026
We know what to do, but most people are not very good at practicing their own self care.

00:30:23.096 --> 00:30:24.246
Yeah, true.

00:30:24.405 --> 00:30:24.865
Very true.

00:30:24.945 --> 00:30:32.965
And if you want to help your kids with their own mental health, with their own healthy growth, get your own stuff together so you can actually hear them and see them.

00:30:33.205 --> 00:30:50.355
Parents who are struggling We know that over 40 percent of adults during covid said they had anxiety depression symptoms over 40 If you're dealing with that, you're not really equipped to See the other things going on with your kids that sort of thing So I always say to parents, you know, you've got to work on yourself.

00:30:50.355 --> 00:30:56.786
It is not selfish It is not self important the better you are the better you can be in terms of helping your kids.

00:30:57.046 --> 00:30:58.685
Yeah Interesting.

00:30:59.105 --> 00:31:02.705
What about You know, COVID forced all kids to go online.

00:31:03.506 --> 00:31:07.115
And what I've noticed recently, and I don't know if there's any stats to support this.

00:31:07.115 --> 00:31:08.836
I just see, you know, around the people only.

00:31:08.836 --> 00:31:17.296
So it's a very limited sample size, but I'm noticing more and more and our kids included that want their kids want to go online and just get school over with.

00:31:17.661 --> 00:31:24.010
You know, my kid, my oldest went, took her, last two years off and condensed it into one and graduated early.

00:31:24.240 --> 00:31:27.070
My youngest is now starting to do that in 10th grade.

00:31:27.080 --> 00:31:28.611
So she, because she wants to accelerate.

00:31:28.851 --> 00:31:31.141
And I'm hearing this with more and more parents.

00:31:31.161 --> 00:31:32.480
Is that a growing trend?

00:31:32.830 --> 00:31:34.088
Yeah, so it's interesting.

00:31:34.098 --> 00:31:36.439
So prior to COVID, parents fought really hard.

00:31:37.078 --> 00:31:40.459
Limiting screen time, understanding, and then COVID came, and guess what?

00:31:40.479 --> 00:31:45.368
Everything was just flipped, and you know, when COVID was ushered in, the battle was over.

00:31:45.548 --> 00:31:48.919
Technology was here to stay, and now there were some good parts about it.

00:31:49.179 --> 00:31:56.973
I mean, if you go on anything from Twitter to TikTok, people were revealing, Their struggles with their mental health in cathartic and healthy ways.

00:31:57.144 --> 00:32:02.824
all sorts of things, but we also know that it did change the way people see screens quite a bit.

00:32:03.064 --> 00:32:06.324
And yeah, the screens were easier in high school kids were surveyed.

00:32:06.554 --> 00:32:16.969
The CDC statistics say that 70 percent of high school kids say they're spending significantly less time with their peers, with their friends, because they're in front of the screen.

00:32:17.199 --> 00:32:20.558
And you know, I always say about screens, you can maintain a friendship with the screen.

00:32:20.929 --> 00:32:24.959
You can't, it's really hard to initiate that and sustain it with the screen.

00:32:26.269 --> 00:32:26.669
Yeah.

00:32:27.078 --> 00:32:28.388
do you see?

00:32:28.929 --> 00:32:44.828
Online schooling though continuing to be a growing trend because yes very much, you know, I mean, I remember, you know years ago Oh, you know, this was like unheard of you couldn't do it I do set I do programs on suicide prevention even I thought well Seven five six seven years ago.

00:32:44.848 --> 00:32:46.048
That would not have been appropriate.

00:32:46.048 --> 00:32:49.828
I think people are much more Comfortable in that venue.

00:32:49.868 --> 00:32:51.699
And I think it is a reality.

00:32:51.719 --> 00:32:53.489
So parents need to do that.

00:32:53.489 --> 00:33:07.028
And the flip side is that a lot of schools, you probably read some articles are now saying to kids, you cannot bring your phone into school because we know from the latest studies, kids looking at their phone that interrupts their thought process about what is going on in that classroom.

00:33:07.229 --> 00:33:10.409
For 20 minutes, literally 20 minutes.

00:33:10.578 --> 00:33:14.689
So schools are now not allowing cell phones, you know, in school.

00:33:14.689 --> 00:33:16.909
And I know a lot of parents think, what if there's an emergency?

00:33:16.909 --> 00:33:17.259
Well.

00:33:17.719 --> 00:33:19.598
If there's an emergency, there are plenty of phones around.

00:33:19.598 --> 00:33:22.318
There's some kid who has hidden their phone in their backpack.

00:33:22.429 --> 00:33:24.019
No, and that kid will use it too.

00:33:24.179 --> 00:33:27.459
we managed to get, you know, to get picked up without cell phones.

00:33:27.459 --> 00:33:32.108
And maybe we had to wait an extra 20 minutes for our parents, but you know, it will happen.

00:33:33.108 --> 00:33:35.939
And I love I just want to add I I'm addicted to my cell phone.

00:33:35.979 --> 00:33:37.148
I love technology.

00:33:37.318 --> 00:33:42.959
I'm on my phone constantly but for young people remember their brains are very impressionable impressionable.

00:33:42.959 --> 00:33:44.348
It's a highly reactive brain.

00:33:44.949 --> 00:33:45.288
Yeah.

00:33:45.979 --> 00:33:57.898
Yeah well, you know, let's let me With all of the challenges that our teens have and where they are, like how we perceive they are developmentally, are we in trouble?

00:33:58.939 --> 00:33:59.929
That's a really good question.

00:33:59.929 --> 00:34:02.304
No, a lot of parents, when teens aren't doing things they say.

00:34:02.723 --> 00:34:04.673
Oh, by that age, I was able to do that.

00:34:04.723 --> 00:34:08.653
You know, the reality is we have no idea what I could do at 12.

00:34:08.824 --> 00:34:09.974
I don't really remember.

00:34:09.974 --> 00:34:14.134
And so let's first honor the fact that kids have a lot more sophistication.

00:34:14.324 --> 00:34:15.434
They're doing some great things.

00:34:15.434 --> 00:34:17.884
Their critical thinking skills are far more than ours.

00:34:18.768 --> 00:34:21.579
We just accepted it, you know, they're really good.

00:34:21.579 --> 00:34:24.159
They know how to work in groups a lot better than we did.

00:34:24.318 --> 00:34:26.079
They've done group work their whole life.

00:34:26.079 --> 00:34:30.978
And every generation looks back and says, Oh, I look at the next generation and we're in trouble.

00:34:31.228 --> 00:34:31.719
Guess what?

00:34:31.719 --> 00:34:32.458
We're not in trouble.

00:34:32.458 --> 00:34:39.449
This new generation is ushering in some great stuff about the things that are important to them about sexuality.

00:34:40.193 --> 00:34:52.034
About the world about the environment those sort of things So I always love it when I read articles that are positive about young people because guess what the young people are going to be Caring things about the environment is one example forward.

00:34:52.034 --> 00:34:53.403
They're gonna be making it happen.

00:34:53.983 --> 00:35:07.213
Yeah, so let's Get on the magic time machine now and fast forward 20 30 years to when this generation is ruling the world Okay How have they changed it?

00:35:08.199 --> 00:35:09.059
Yeah, that's a good question.

00:35:09.059 --> 00:35:12.438
Well, first of all, it won't be 20 or 30 years because younger people keep coming in.

00:35:12.648 --> 00:35:18.278
So I think that they changed it because they'll be very much in touch with their mental health.

00:35:18.298 --> 00:35:22.518
You know, us adults, we were kind of late bloomers to that in terms of the importance.

00:35:22.759 --> 00:35:26.353
Now, we know that it's important to work with kids around mental health.

00:35:26.423 --> 00:35:27.963
as early as kindergarten.

00:35:27.983 --> 00:35:29.153
I have a grandchild.

00:35:29.153 --> 00:35:30.393
He's four years old.

00:35:30.594 --> 00:35:34.554
I talk with him about mental health in age and stage appropriate ways all the time.

00:35:34.733 --> 00:35:42.503
So I think that we're going to have a whole generation of, you know, your kids, kids who are going to grow up and understand that that's important as gym class.

00:35:42.704 --> 00:35:45.373
That's important as history and all the other things.

00:35:45.614 --> 00:35:46.784
And that will really help.

00:35:46.784 --> 00:35:51.914
There are at least 12, states right now that give mental health days to students now.

00:35:51.923 --> 00:35:52.463
Why?

00:35:52.773 --> 00:35:54.184
Because they know mental health is important.

00:35:54.523 --> 00:35:58.793
when I do trainings for teachers, of which I do a lot of training for educators, they always smile.

00:35:58.793 --> 00:36:02.873
I said, oh yeah, educators need, they need mental health days too.

00:36:03.103 --> 00:36:05.594
But mental health days, you know, didn't exist.

00:36:05.603 --> 00:36:09.204
What you would have to do if you were struggling with your mental health is call in sick.

00:36:09.244 --> 00:36:12.123
Well, you were sick, but people thought it was a physical sickness.

00:36:12.313 --> 00:36:14.719
There should be no shame around a mental health day.

00:36:15.478 --> 00:36:15.918
Hmm.

00:36:16.259 --> 00:36:16.599
Okay.

00:36:17.248 --> 00:36:18.568
So more mental health days.

00:36:18.568 --> 00:36:22.199
You, there's definitely a growing awareness of mental health, right?

00:36:22.199 --> 00:36:29.918
I think we all had anxiety always, probably just as much, but we didn't think of it as a mental health issue as we are recognizing it now.

00:36:29.978 --> 00:36:30.268
Right.

00:36:30.268 --> 00:36:36.568
But if you think about all the things that we could get anxious about, I mean, the environment is what's happening politically.

00:36:36.753 --> 00:36:41.454
Without, you know, talking about each candidate that could really spur a lot of anxiety.

00:36:41.454 --> 00:36:48.373
If a certain candidate gets in what's happening in the Middle East, you know, we see these images over and over again, 24 7.

00:36:48.423 --> 00:36:51.983
this tends to exacerbate someone who is say, mildly anxious.

00:36:51.983 --> 00:36:53.954
And there's a lot to be anxious about.

00:36:54.318 --> 00:36:54.878
Absolutely.

00:36:57.548 --> 00:36:58.869
Well, John, this has been great.

00:36:58.878 --> 00:36:59.389
Thank you.

00:36:59.398 --> 00:37:04.338
at this point, I'd love to, switch over to our world famous Wayfinder 4, if you don't mind.

00:37:04.378 --> 00:37:04.829
I love it.

00:37:04.889 --> 00:37:05.268
Go for it.

00:37:05.318 --> 00:37:06.628
can you give us a hack?

00:37:07.219 --> 00:37:09.978
It's something you use to kind of cheat life with every day.

00:37:09.978 --> 00:37:11.739
Like, you're on your phone, so maybe an app.

00:37:12.389 --> 00:37:15.139
Well, I'll tell you, my hack is actually less technology.

00:37:15.829 --> 00:37:16.878
That is my hack.

00:37:16.929 --> 00:37:40.699
I love the phone But I also know when i'm not on the phone when i'm out in nature and by the way When people are outdoors one of the good things to do for your own self care is you know Actually contact the earth if it's not too cold when you're gardening Don't wear gloves when you're outside don't sit on a lawn chair sit on the ground because we know That that actually helps our mental health more than just being outside.

00:37:40.858 --> 00:37:43.318
So my hack is less technology and being outside.

00:37:44.409 --> 00:37:48.378
I love it Which, where you are, people really understand that in your part of the country.

00:37:48.619 --> 00:37:50.289
Colorado, very big.

00:37:50.289 --> 00:37:50.708
Absolutely.

00:37:50.739 --> 00:37:58.958
I think that's the big draw here is, you know, we have a great quality of life because people come here to enjoy nature and the outdoors, for sure.

00:37:59.009 --> 00:37:59.248
Yeah.

00:37:59.278 --> 00:37:59.469
Yeah.

00:37:59.478 --> 00:38:00.278
It's a big part of life.

00:38:00.748 --> 00:38:06.059
I can't tell you how many meetings, I have just on a hike, a walk, a run, you know, that's.

00:38:06.059 --> 00:38:06.338
Yeah.

00:38:06.338 --> 00:38:06.403
Yeah.

00:38:07.954 --> 00:38:08.423
Fantastic.

00:38:08.454 --> 00:38:09.423
That's fantastic.

00:38:09.563 --> 00:38:10.264
It really is.

00:38:10.884 --> 00:38:12.474
how about a favorite?

00:38:13.673 --> 00:38:14.123
A favorite?

00:38:15.014 --> 00:38:15.523
Anything.

00:38:15.764 --> 00:38:17.974
Book, show, activity.

00:38:18.054 --> 00:38:19.914
Yeah, so I thought of a book and a movie.

00:38:19.914 --> 00:38:22.753
So my movie is a book that is not so well known.

00:38:22.753 --> 00:38:24.503
It's called Jeff Who Lives at Home.

00:38:24.673 --> 00:38:26.864
it's with Jason Stegall and Susan Sarandon.

00:38:27.114 --> 00:38:33.123
And it's about a guy who, sees things happening by chance, but the things happen for a reason.

00:38:33.403 --> 00:38:35.943
And if you're a Jason Segel fan, you'll live it.

00:38:35.994 --> 00:38:36.833
it's funny.

00:38:36.833 --> 00:38:37.684
It's interesting.

00:38:37.684 --> 00:38:40.523
It's actually oddly thought provoking.

00:38:40.724 --> 00:38:43.574
The other thing I want to mention was a book that I read recently.

00:38:43.724 --> 00:38:45.483
It's called Thinking Fast and Slow.

00:38:45.483 --> 00:38:50.003
I'm sorry I can't remember the author, but it was a very well known book.

00:38:51.664 --> 00:39:00.954
And, you know, it looks at, how we think our first thought are emotional and intuitive and our other slower processes are, more deliberate logic, that sort of thing.

00:39:00.954 --> 00:39:03.664
So those are the types of books that I like to read.

00:39:04.213 --> 00:39:04.603
Excellent.

00:39:05.563 --> 00:39:07.994
What about a piece of advice for your younger self?

00:39:08.713 --> 00:39:09.974
Yeah, I thought about that.

00:39:09.974 --> 00:39:13.974
a piece of advice for my younger self would have been this and I share this with people.

00:39:14.143 --> 00:39:16.304
Don't let your brain be your worst enemy.

00:39:16.844 --> 00:39:23.304
There are a lot of people out there who will be a natural enemy of yours, who will compete with you, but don't let your own brain be your worst enemy.

00:39:23.534 --> 00:39:27.304
My brain for so much of my life was my worst enemy.

00:39:27.503 --> 00:39:32.673
And, you know, it's taken me decades to really figure out how to make it work for me.

00:39:32.673 --> 00:39:38.414
But if we could, not allow that enemy in, we do ourselves a great service.

00:39:39.253 --> 00:39:39.664
Excellent.

00:39:40.543 --> 00:39:45.543
Last one, your choice, between a big opportunity or a limiting belief?

00:39:46.094 --> 00:39:48.554
Yeah, I think I'll take the limiting belief here.

00:39:48.724 --> 00:39:51.664
a lot of people feel they're going to fail, so they won't do something.

00:39:51.673 --> 00:39:53.733
And my response is, so what?

00:39:53.963 --> 00:39:54.523
Guess what?

00:39:54.523 --> 00:39:55.804
Not everyone's watching.

00:39:55.804 --> 00:40:00.333
We think that everyone's watching all the time, when we don't meet expectations, when we fail.

00:40:00.393 --> 00:40:02.364
You know, I was watching the most ourselves.

00:40:02.373 --> 00:40:04.623
And it gets back to what I said before about our own brain.

00:40:05.403 --> 00:40:15.673
So, you know, I say, if you fail, if you don't get to what you want, so what you may the next time, or you may not the next time, no one is counting as much as you think people are counting.

00:40:16.179 --> 00:40:22.708
Oh, so we'll put, well, John, if people want to know a little bit more about you, maybe they want you to working with their team.

00:40:22.818 --> 00:40:23.298
how can you do that?

00:40:23.318 --> 00:40:23.608
Yeah.

00:40:23.608 --> 00:40:24.599
So it's pretty simple.

00:40:24.599 --> 00:40:26.039
You go to my website.

00:40:26.039 --> 00:40:27.559
It's just www.

00:40:27.559 --> 00:40:32.559
My name, John Adelman, but it's J O N M A T T L E M A N.

00:40:32.559 --> 00:40:34.809
And you'll find my website.

00:40:34.809 --> 00:40:38.449
I do talks like the secret life of teens and tweens.

00:40:38.688 --> 00:40:41.679
let's talk about the a word, a lot of suicide prevention.

00:40:41.878 --> 00:40:45.728
When COVID hit, I created something called teens, tweens and quarantines.

00:40:46.009 --> 00:40:49.969
Uh, cause my wife told me I needed to do something positive when we were all home.

00:40:50.228 --> 00:40:52.838
And, uh, I probably, I created that.

00:40:53.914 --> 00:40:58.293
And I, I said to my wife, it's a great idea, but I've never done a webinar before.

00:40:58.503 --> 00:41:01.153
And I've ended up doing over 270 of these.

00:41:01.523 --> 00:41:03.373
One of them had 1200 of that.

00:41:03.554 --> 00:41:06.994
And I do a lot of trainings for educators about their own mental health.

00:41:07.003 --> 00:41:10.364
You know, during COVID early in COVID educators are recognized.

00:41:10.364 --> 00:41:12.623
It was long overdue, but it was not long lasting.

00:41:12.813 --> 00:41:16.974
So I do a lot of trainings for educators about themselves, about their own mental health.

00:41:17.204 --> 00:41:18.434
And that's been really rewarding.

00:41:18.434 --> 00:41:22.173
I think I've worked with over 10, 000 educators now, educators really love it.

00:41:22.193 --> 00:41:30.014
They've had lots of trainings on how to be better on Zoom or how to be better in the classroom or individualized learning, but never something for them and about them.

00:41:30.713 --> 00:41:31.204
Excellent.

00:41:31.653 --> 00:41:41.954
You know, before we go, is, is there anything else that we may have not discussed that you think it's important for us to know about teens maybe in, in their secret lives now?

00:41:42.244 --> 00:41:49.014
Yeah, so people ask me, what's the most important thing to know and the most important thing to know is to have stamina.

00:41:49.083 --> 00:41:51.543
Stamina means to love your kid when you don't like them.

00:41:51.824 --> 00:41:53.364
The stamina stay in the game.

00:41:53.373 --> 00:41:58.463
Now, of course, teens want to talk to us at like 11 o'clock at night when we're exhausted, that sort of thing.

00:41:58.704 --> 00:42:02.923
But the parents who have successful relationships on the other side are not the smart parents.

00:42:03.583 --> 00:42:05.893
They're not the parents that spend the most money for their kids.

00:42:06.074 --> 00:42:09.494
It's parents who have the stamina to stay in the game.

00:42:09.693 --> 00:42:12.673
That is how you have a healthy relationship with your kids.

00:42:12.704 --> 00:42:16.313
What I call on the other side, you know, beyond the 10, you know, the teen year.

00:42:16.313 --> 00:42:18.884
So I say to parents, stamina is really important.

00:42:21.594 --> 00:42:21.943
Well, thank you.

00:42:21.954 --> 00:42:28.344
You've given me a lot to think about and I'm growing some anxiety and second guessing all the parenting I'm doing.

00:42:29.173 --> 00:42:30.483
Well, thank you for having me on.

00:42:30.483 --> 00:42:32.224
I always love talking about these things.

00:42:32.224 --> 00:42:33.233
I'm happy to come back.

00:42:33.233 --> 00:42:38.994
There's always a lot to talk about with young people, about young people and parenting and some of the mental health challenges we all face.

00:42:39.418 --> 00:42:49.778
Thank you for the work you do and for sharing some of that wisdom and we may need a, I may need to have you back on just to take advantage of, you know, therapy session for, for me.

00:42:51.309 --> 00:42:51.889
All right.

00:42:52.588 --> 00:42:53.188
Thank you, John.

00:42:53.188 --> 00:42:53.639
Take care.

00:42:53.768 --> 00:42:54.539
Thanks so much.

00:42:59.849 --> 00:43:01.608
We hope you've enjoyed The Wayfinder Show.

00:43:01.759 --> 00:43:05.978
If you got value from this episode, please take a few seconds to leave us a 5 star rating and review.

00:43:06.268 --> 00:43:10.518
This will allow us to help more people find their way to live more authentic and exciting lives.

00:43:11.179 --> 00:43:12.478
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